Legal Mumbo-Jumbo: This Fanfic is not officially recognized by Bright,
Kauffman and Crane Productions and/or Warner Brothers Studios and is not meant
to imply ownership over the characters and/or show locations (although I would
not mind owning Jennifer or Lisa). All characters and Central Perk are
registered trademarked properties of Warner Brother Productions, all rights
reserved

[ Joey and Chandler's Apartment ]

Joey (pouring a bowl of cereal): This sucks!

Chandler: What's wrong, dude?

Joey: Remember when Cap'n Crunch had all the cool prizes and crap? (Joey shows
an empty box to Chandler): Nothing. Nada. Zilch (shouting at the box) Bring back
the crap!

Chandler: You do know that's a cereal for kids, right?

* Chandler pours a box of Lucky Charms and a small package slips out *

Chandler: COOL! A glow-in-the-dark pen!

--- Opening Credits ---

[Central Perk. Ross is on a cell phone and Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are
on the couch ]

Ross (talking on the phone): That's great....ok....ok.....ok. Great. Bye!

Rachel: Who was that, sweetie?

Ross: That was Carol. She and Susan are going away and we're going to watch Ben
for a week.

Rachel: Wha...wha....what?

Ross: Don't worry. It will be fun.

Phoebe: What are you going to do?

Ross: I thought about taking him to the museum

Phoebe (interrupting) Don't take him there. Take him someplace fun!

Ross: The museum IS fun!

Phoebe: If you're a geek.

Joey: Hey, I know of a great place!

Ross: Don't say the strip club.

Joey: No. Take him to a Knicks game

Ross (shrugs): I dunno

Joey: But since you mentioned the strip club.....

Rachel, Ross, and Monica (together): JOEY!!!

Joey: No, not for Ben. Ross, let's go this afternoon

Rachel: Excuse me, but he is my boyfriend.

Ross: I don't need to see a beautiful woman. I've got you, Rach.

Rachel (glaring): WHAT????

Ross (realizing how it sounded): Gotta run!

** Ross kisses Rachel's forehead and leaves **

Monica: Oh! Take Ben to the zoo!

Rachel: Oh, that does sound like fun

Monica: But keep Ross away from the Primates, or he'll go into his whole "Monkey
into Man" speech

Ross ( yelling thru the window): It's a proven fact!

[ Joey and Chandler's apartment ]

** There is a knock on the door and Joey answers it. A salesman is there **

Salesman: Are you the decision maker here?

Joey (confused): Uh...I guess so.

Salesman: Good afternoon, sir. Every house today needs a computer

Joey: Not this house buddy. Try Ross Gellar....total geek.

Salesman: With a computer you can write a grocery list

Joey: I have a pen and paper that can do that too

Salesman: You can do research

Joey: I don't do research

Salesman (whispering): You can download porn

Joey: How much does a computer cost?

** The phone rings**

Joey (answering the phone): Hello?

(voice on other end of line): Joey? This is Estelle and I've got great news.

Joey: I'm being nominated for an Oscar?

Estelle: No

Joey: An Emmy?

Estelle: No

Joey: A People's Choice?

Estelle: No

Joey: Dammit. I though you said you had great news

** The salesman leaves **

Estelle: I got you on The Tonight Show.

Joey: Really? That IS great news!

Estelle: Not for the person who was the voice of Scooby Doo. He came down with
the flu.

Joey: So I was 2cd choice?

Estelle: More like 5th choice.

Joey: Yes! It your face, 6th choice!

Estelle: The taping is tomorrow.

Joey: Tomorrow, as in the day after today? I have an audition. Dammit.

Estelle: I don't think the audition will go over very well, Joe.

Joey: Why not?

Estelle: Somebody's been spreading a rumor that you slept with the producer's
daughter.

Joey: Is she cute?

--- Commercial ---

[ Ross and Rachel's apartment ]

Rachael: So when are you going to pick up Ben?

Ross: I'm not. Carol and Susan are dropping him off on their way to the airport

Rachel (nervously): OK

Ross: You're cool with Ben staying here, right?

Rachel: Oh, totally. I guess I just don't know him very well

Ross: Relax sweetie. He'll love you.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: You bet!

** Joey charges into the room **

Joey: Guess what???

Rachel: You forgot how to knock?

** Joey looks confused **

Rachel: We could have been doin' stuff.

Joey (smiling): Were ya?

Rachel: NO!

Joey: It plays out differently in my mind.

Ross: What's going on?

Joey: Guess who's going to be on The Tonight Show?

Rachel: OH MY GOD!

Joey: I know!

Rachel: Mel Gibson?

Joey: NO!

Rachel: Harrison Ford?

Joey (turning to leave, annoyed): See ya.

Rachel: I'm only kidding, sweetie....but seriously, who is it.

Joey: It's me.

Ross: That's great!

Rachel: And we can come, right?

Joey: Uh.....

Rachel: Please, please, please!

Joey: Ok, but you have to promise to behave

** Rachel jumps up-and-down squealing and giggling **

Joey: This is what I'm talking about

** A few seconds pass and there's a knock on the door. Rachel answers it to find
Mr. Heckles **

Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.

Rachel: I'm sorry Mr. Heckles, I got a little carried away.

Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my conversation with The President

Rachel: You're not talking with The President

Mr. Heckles: I could be talking with the President

Ross: Tell him we said "Hi" (Ross slams the door in Mr. Heckle's face)

[ Ross and Rachel's apartment (later that day) ]

Monica (yelling across the hall): Joey, did you forget how to knock?

Rachel (making the bed for Ben): What time is Ben coming?

Ross: In about an hour

Rachel: Dammit. We're supposed to watch Joey tonight

Ross (disappointed): Oh, that's right. We can't take Ben with us

** Phoebe enters **

Phoebe: Hey

Rachel: Hey could you do me a favor?

Phoebe: NO! The last time you asked me to do you a favor, I almost got fired!

Rachel: No. Can you watch Ben tonight?

Phoebe: Sure, I guess. Where are you guys going?

Rachel: I'm sure Joey wanted to be the one to tell, but he's going to be on the
Tonight Show

Phoebe: That's great! Can I come?

Ross: What about Ben?

Phoebe: Ben who?

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: What a coincidence. His last name is my first name. (thinking for a
second)....oh, you want me to watch Ben,

Rachel: I will owe you big

Phoebe: You ALREADY owe me big. But I can watch it on TV. I've seen Joey make a
fool of himself millions of times already. He won't say or do something that
I've not seen or heard.

[ Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey is pretending to talk with Jay Leno, not
knowing that Chandler is right behind him ].

Chandler: That's the best fake interview I've ever heard

Joey: Man, I'm so nervous.

Chandler: Relax. Just fight your normal reactions. In other words, don't be
yourself.

Joey: What if I say something stupid?

Chandler: You should be used to it.

* Joey gives Chandler a go-to-hell look *

Chandler: Seriously, you'll be fine.

** Monica enters **

Monica: Hey the limo's here.

Joey: That's great. Who's car are you guys taking?

[ Dressing Room. Joey nervously paces back and forth. Laughter from the audience
is heard as Jay Leno does his monologue ].

Chandler: Would you mind? You're making ME nervous.

** There is a knock on the door as a security guard escorts Rachel and Monica to
the dressing room **

Rachel (sitting on a leather sofa): Oh my God. Just think, Bruce Willis' ass
could have been here (pats the sofa).

Joey: Where's Ross at?

Rachel: He's on the way, sweetie.

Monica: Just think...in a few minutes millions of people are going to see you.

** Joey starts to pace again and Chandler rolls his eyes **

Rachel: Don't freak out. Just take some deep breaths

** Joey takes some deep breaths and calms down for a second as Monica rubs his
shoulders **

** The program director enters the room **

Director: You're on in 10 minutes, Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey (whining): 10 minutes? ** Joey starts to pace again **

Chandler: OH MY GOD!

[The stage. Jay Leno is sitting at his desk ]

Jay: My next guest plays the suave Dr. Drake Ramore on the hit show "Days of our
Lives". Ladies and Gentleman, Joey Tribbiani!

* Cheers and applause from the audience. Chandler gives Joey a thumbs up. Joey
walks across the stage, waving to the audience, shakes Jay's hand before taking
his place on the sofa *

Jay: What's this I hear about a stalker who thought you actually were Dr. Drake
Ramore?

Joey: Yeah. We dated for a while, but then she got weird.

Jay: You mean she wasn't weird before?

** audience laughter **

[Rachel and Ross' apartment, a few hours later. Ben is sleeping on the sofa and
Phoebe is dusting her guitar. Ross and Rachel enter quietly]

Phoebe: Wow. Joey was really good

bb: Yeah. Who would have thought?

** Ross gently wakes Ben and takes him to guest room **

** Joey enters the room and Phoebe gives him a hug **

Phoebe: You're famous now

Joey: I'm still the same 'ol Joey. Except that I was on the Tonight Show and you
weren't!

--- Ending Credits --

[ Central Perk. Rachel, Chandler are the only ones there. Joey enters a few
seconds later ]

Rachel (mock hysteria): Oh My God! It's Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: I would like to thank all the little people who made all this possible

** a pretty lady walks up to Joey. He looks at her and says "How you doin'". She
hands him a piece of paper and leaves **

Joey: This is great. Ever since being on the Tonight Show, I've had more dates
than I can count.

Chandler: You can count?

Rachel: That's so shallow. You're such a pig.

Joey: Maybe so, but I'm a pig with a full schedule for the next 2 weeks

-- The End --

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