[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: She's going out with him. She-She is going out with him again.

Chandler: Yeah, I know, and I feel horrible.

Joey: What are you talking about, Ross?

Ross: I'm talking about Rachel. You remember that guy we met last week who was locked out of his apartment at the blizzard? She is still going out with him.

Joey: So?

Ross: So?! So?! (breaks up) Not just is she going out with that guy, but she is always around with him, at the coffeehouse, (Pause) you know, together! (Chandler and Joey look at him, confused) Y'know, drinking coffee!

Chandler: So? Rachel's single, she can date.

Ross: Oh, come on! You guys know what I mean.

Joey: Ross, trust me. If we knew what you mean, we'd be at least this interested. (Opens up his thumb and index finger a little bit)

Chandler: Is about the whole "not over Rachel" thing yet?

Ross: Yes! Okay, I mean, first we were together, then I slept with a woman. (Pause) We got apart, then together, and then apart. And now she's-she's dating people!

Joey: Oh, come on, Ross! You asked for a date by one of that model's friends, if Chandler had dated her. (giggles) (Pause) While you were in front of Rachel! How can this bother you?

Ross: All right, you didn't see all the touching, the kissing, and he gave her a key to his apartment!

Chandler: Wow, a key to his place? It must be serious. (Ross glares at him.) Seriously... a break-up!

(Ross sniffs)

Joey: Why, do you think he slept with someone? (Ross groans)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is reading a newspaper at a chair, while Phoebe and Monica are on the couch talking]

Phoebe: You know, I heard that by the year 2012, life is gonna end.

Monica: You're kidding!

Phoebe: No, and I know! (Rolls her eyes, in pause) I was shocked too! All right, I heard that on the Discovery Channel and they...

Ross: (interrupting) Wait, whoa. Why were you watching the Discovery Channel?

Phoebe: Okay, fine, Ross, turns out you're not the only one interested in dragons on TV! (to Monica) Was bored to death. (Pause) Anyway, so I heard that by that time, the world is gonna stop moving, every human being is gonna die and time is gonna stop. (Pause) OH, no, wait. They expected that to happen in the year 2000. Oh, all right, well, forget it.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hi!

Ross: Umm...I forgot. I got work. See ya later. (Leaves)

Rachel: Wow. Could he BE more obvious?

Phoebe: (Laughing) OHH-OOOH! Chandler!

Monica: (to Rachel) What are you talking about?

Rachel: Ugh, he is just so still in love with me. (Sits down)

Monica: What?

Phoebe: What are you talking about?

Rachel: Oh, come on! I just walked through that door, and he suddenly remembered that he has work? And I mean, come on! He's a professor, and professors don't forget that they have work!

Monica: I didn't know that.

Phoebe: I didn't know Ross was a professor.

Rachel: Oh, and please. All those signs he was giving me, didn't sound like he wanted to win me back at all!

Monica: Signs? What signs? He left when you walked in! He didn't even have the time to say "hello"!

Rachel: Proves that he desperately wants me.

Monica: Rach, maybe you're having these feelings that he likes you because you actually like him.

Rachel: Oh, please! Monica! I mean, right now I'm with...(Pauses, and is shocked to forget the name of the guy she is dating)

Phoebe: A hottie?

Rachel: Yes! Yes!

(Joey and Chandler enter)

Joey: (to Chandler, while entering) See? I told you. More than a hundred steps from our place to the coffeehouse.

Chandler: You know how we open up a conversation with each other and talk? Yeah, let's not do that anymore. (Sits down) Hey.

Monica: Hey! Hey, Joey!

Joey: Hey! Ohh, guess what? I just got off the phone with my agent, and I'm unemployed for the next two weeks!

Phoebe: Oh, you are so lucky.

Rachel: Hey, uhm, did Ross talk to you guys about something?

Chandler: Yeah. Y'know, the usual. The whole dinosaur-Darwin-nonexisting-boring story.

Joey: Why, what's going on?

Rachel: Oh, nothing, I was just wondering if he mentioned something about me. You know, like, me going out with someone or something?

(Chandler and Joey trade looks)

Phoebe: (sneezes) Oh, no, I think I got the flu. Oh, no. Ohhh...OHH, NO!!!

Chandler: What, there's more?

Phoebe: I can't, I can't, I shouldn't be getting the flu. I have a massage client waiting for me right now. I can't massage him when I'm sick!

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: Because I'm sick! (pause) He'll be afraid if I sneeze in front of him. Oh, no, what do I do? OOH! Rachel, why don't you massage instead of me?

Rachel: Ha-ha, I wish, but noooooo.

Phoebe: Come on, Rach! Please, please, please, please, please...you're not working right now and you have, like, nothing to do.

Monica: Eh, actually, if you got nothing to do, you could've just taken the Christmas lights off the balcony three weeks ago, when I told you to.

Rachel: Hey, back then, I had a job!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: (entering) Okay, what-what do I do? What-What do I do?

Monica: Find someone interested into talking to you.

Chandler: All these years, I'm working at this meaningless place and I'm getting paid. Paid! I'm fine with the money, I spend some of it on me, some of it on Joey and I save some. I was fine! Suddenly, John, outta nowhere, decides to ask me about how much I get paid! I answer him, and I ask the same question. You know what he said?

Monica: Y'know, I think I've lost the will to guess.

Chandler: He gets paid more than me, and he's not even higher than me! We're both at the same level, but he just gets paid more. Why, why wold I get paid less?

Monica: Maybe your boss just don't like you.

Chandler: Oh, gee, thanks. Look at my smile. (Pause) I was fine before I know John makes more money than me, but now I'm always thinking, like, "Oh, gee, Chandler, don't work so hard. You get paid less than John...John, Joooo (groans)".

Monica: So what if someone else in your department makes more money than you? It's no big deal.

Chandler: Not if you work your ass so hard, yes it is! (Pause) Okay, either John should get less paid or I should get more paid. Are ya kidding, I should get more paid!

Monica: Hey, why don't you ask for a raise?

Chandler: Oh, y'know, I would. But I don't wanna get fired. (Pause) See, that results into not having a job. (Pause) And that results into me turning into Joey.

Monica: Chandler! You're not gonna get fired only if you ask for a raise! I mean, come on, all people do that!

Chandler: That's why 65% of humans are unemployed.

Monica: All right, so what if you get fired? You can easily find a job! I mean, this is New York! Hey! I think we need a job at the restaurant.

Chandler: I'm not a chef.

Monica: No, no, we don't need a chef. We need a...(Pause) What did you say you work again?

Chandler: Wha(chuckles)? Are you serious? You don't know what I work?

Monica: Well, you know, you've never told us and we've never cared to ask.

Chandler: I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living!

Monica: Oh, no, yeah, that I know! You throw jokes all around, you're a joker. I know you!

(Joey, Ross and Phoebe enter)

Joey, Ross and Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Guess what? I just realized that Monica doesn't know what I work!

Joey, Ross and Phoebe: Oh, yeah, don't know that either. No idea.

Chandler: Are you kidding?!

Ross: No, Chandler, you just really never told us what you do.

Chandler: Yes, I did! I talk about it all the time!

Joey: (whispering) Sex?

Chandler: Nooo!! No, what is the matter with you?!

Joey: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! You just also talk about that all the time, I kinda figured...

Chandler: Ooooooohh...

Phoebe: Hey, hey, hold on a second. Maybe if you give us a hint, we'll remember something. Come on, shoot.

Monica: Yeah!

Chandler: Computers.

Joey: (gasps, snapping his fingers) You're a...computer-ist!!

Ross: That's not a thing.

Joey: Oh, like, dinosaur-ist is a thing, then?!

Ross: (pause) No.

Phoebe: Okay, come on. A closer hint. I mean, computers? There's, like, a million things you could be that relates to computer. You know, like, computer sciences. Computer...graphics. The one that Joey mentioned.

Joey: Yea-ah!

Chandler: All right, all right. Analasis.

Phoebe: Ooooh!! OOOH! Analasis-ist...! (Pause) Wait, no.

Monica: Computer analasis?

Chandler: Oh, how smart. Combine the first hint with the second one, (screaming) nooo! (pause) Ross?

Ross: I don't know, I'm out of words.

Phoebe: Out of words? You can't be out of words. You're a professor!

Rachel: (enters) Hey, guys. What are you doing?

Monica: Oh, we're trying to guess what is Chandler Bing's job.

Rachel: (Sniffs) Oh, that's easy. He's a...(Becomes out of words) Y'know, it's like you know it and you wanna say it, but when it's time, you just forget.

Chandler: I can't believe that none of you know what my job is! But y'know what? It doesn't-it does not matter! And you wanna know why? You wanna know why?

Phoebe: Not really.

Joey: No. (Him and Phoebe sit down)

Chandler: Because I am going to ask for a raise tomorrow. (Points at Monica) Ha-ha!

Ross: You're really gonna do that?

Chandler: Yup.

Ross: Why would you wanna get yourself fired? (Pause) I mean, if you have something, just don't let it go. Don't ruin it, don't cheat!

Rachel: Don't sleep with another woman. (Pause) Oh, I'm sorry, that doesn't go to you, Ross!

Ross: (to Chandler) Anyway...don't let people think you're cheating, don't put some thoughts in other people's heads, don't hug men in front of your boyfriend. (Chandler looks confused.)

Rachel: (to Chandler) Don't be easily jealous, don't just show up in other people's offices and pretend you're there 'cause you love someone, not to protect them!

Ross: (to Chandler) Don't go out on lunches with other guys, don't let other people answer your work phone, don't let guys hit on you!

(Pause. Chandler is confused.)

Chandler: Thanks, guys, that helped a lot! (Leaves)

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there]

Phoebe: (enters, with a sheet on her mouth) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: (confused) Hhhhi. And are you from Egypt?

Phoebe: Ha-ha, and no. I'm just doing this to get over my flu. Yeah, you see, one of my massage clients realized I got the flu since I was all, like, (sneezes) that all the time!

Monica: And you couldn't do anything to stop it?

Phoebe: Well, you know, I tried. (nods) Yeah, I tried a few things. I drank some beer, had some chips, ate mice's food...(Pause) Didn't work very well, no. (Shakes her head)

Rachel: Pheebs, maybe you should see a doctor.

Phoebe: No, no. Okay? I don't believe in doctors. All right? 'Cause my father always wanted to be a doctor, and he said he'll never ditch me, but, well, he lied and did ditch me. That is why I do not believe in doctors!

Monica: Phoebe, that is not a logical reason to not believe in doctors. Listen, the flu is a really serious matter, all right? You--you really should, I'm gonna take you to a doctor.

Phoebe: Oh, the paying's on you? Oh, all right then. (to Rachel) So, Rach, how's it going between you and Todd?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, it's good. You know, he did give me the keys to his place, so...Now he kinda wants a key to my place. But I ain't gonna give it to him.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Yeah, well, we've only been going out for one week, all right? I mean, what if-what if he's in a gang, y'know? And he wants to steal something from our apartment?

Monica: Rach, the guy trusted you with his key, so you should trust him with yours. Come on, go ahead! Go, and do it!

Rachel: No, no, I'm not! I'm not gonna, all right? 'Cause I don't even see it going anywhere. Because, well, he's just a loof and so not serious all the time and...(sighs) I don't think he's the one, y'know? (Stands up and looks through the door of Central Perk where Ross is making out with a girl) Who-who's that?

Monica: (sees who she means) Oh, yeah, Ross bumped into this Science professor at the bus station. They really got along.

Rachel: Yeah, I can see that and she's putting her tongue in his mouth!

Phoebe: So what? I thought you said you don't care about Ross.

Rachel: I don't! But--but, what if, what if the woman's got the flu, y'know? Just like you, Pheebs! (Pause) And you don't want Ross to get the flu, do you?

Phoebe: Actually, I don't mind seeing someone else suffer my sickness.

Rachel: So, so, does he, like, love her? Like, real love? Is he gonna marry her?

Monica: I don't know. Maybe it's a little serious. I mean, he did show her his apartment.

Rachel: Oooh-oh, yeah? He showed her his apartment? Why, why didn't she show him her apartment? What, does she, like, does she live in a van or something? Huh?

Monica: No, actually, I heard Ross saying that he's gonna stop by later at her place. She lives on Fifth Avenue.

Rachel: Oooh, oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, well, so did I once!

(We see Ross saying goodbye to the woman, as the woman leaves and Ross enters happily.)

Ross: I have never been so happy in my life.

Monica: Hi, Ross! Had fun?

Ross: Yeah, oooh--ohh, oh, Claire-Claire is so fun and pretty and-and she is just adorable.

Rachel: (Sniffs) Claire, what is that, a cat name?

Phoebe: (to Ross) Anyway, so might it turn into anything serious?

Ross: Well, y'know, it might. I mean, she's also divorced. So she already kinda knows what I'm going through and stuff. Ooh-and she just got off a relationship too, and is looking forward to move on and date.

Monica: Wow, sounds just like you.

Ross: Yeah, yeah, except her ex-boyfriend (louder, to make Rachel listen) never, never made her feel jealous or left out of things at his work!

Rachel: Did she sleep with the copy guy?

Monica: (to Ross) It's good to know that you're back on track, Ross.

Ross: Thanks. See ya later! (Leaves)

Rachel: (Sniffs) Claire! What a name! Sounds like a cat who just returned from a fight at the museum.

Monica: Rachel, are you annoyed that Ross is dating Claire?

Rachel: Annoyed? No way! I mean, I'm dating Todd!

Phoebe: But...you said you were gonna break up with him and that you don't really see it going anywhere.

Rachel: Noo! (pause) I said I really like him and I'm just about to give him the key to my apartment! See ya later! (Leaves)

[Scene: A Doctor's Office. Monica and Phoebe are entering.]

Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, I'm Monica Geller. I called earlier to schedule an appointment for, uh, Phoebe Buffay.

Nurse: Yes, Mrs. Geller. Dr. Robinson will be right with you.

Monica: Thank you. (She and Phoebe sit down in the waiting room) Don't worry, Pheebs, everything's gonna be okay.

Phoebe: All right, okay, I guess. Oooh, wait! What if-what if the doctor wants me to be fully naked, I can't-I'm not gonna do that!

Monica: Phoebe, he is not gonna ask you to do that just because you got the flu!

Phoebe: I told you, don't trust doctors.

(An old man has a seat next to Phoebe)

Man: (to Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: (to man) Hi! (Turns to Monica and mouths, "OH, MY GOD!")

Monica: (mouthing) Too old!

Man: (to Phoebe) I think you're too pretty to be sick.

Phoebe: (smiles) Thanks. I know, though. (Pause) No, yeah, I got the flu.

Man: Oh, hey, me too.

Phoebe: Oh, great! (Pause) No, you know what I mean...

Man: Y'know, I'm just new to the city and stuff. I'm just here to meet my twin daughters.

Phoebe: Oooh, married.

Man: A widow right now, actually.

Phoebe: Oh, that's great! (Pause) Y'know, for those who want to date you. (Pause) Hey, uhm, I've been in the city for a long time. Maybe I know one of your "twin" daughters. What are their names?

Man: Phoebe and Ursula.

(Phoebe and Monica are shocked.)

Monica: Ohh, and-and you would be...?

Man: Oh, sorry for not introducing myself. (Offers a handshake) Frank Buffay.

(In shock, Phoebe and the live audience gasp.)

(Pause of silence)

Phoebe: Oh-oh, my god! I-I am Phoebe!

Frank: Phoebe?!

Phoebe: Phoebe!

Monica: That's Phoebe!

Nurse: Phoebe Buffay, the doctor is ready to see you.

Phoebe: Phoebe! (Starts to head to the doctor's office)

Frank: Phoebe!

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is there as Ross enters]

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Where were you?

Ross: I-I went to see Claire's apartment then we went out for dinner. Oohh, I told you about Claire, right?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, she came up. (Pause) So, how's it going between you two?

Ross: Oooh, oohh, Claire-Claire is great. She's just adorable, and I'm having the best time with her. She's also a professor in N.Y.U.

Rachel: Oh that's great for you guys! Ha-ha! (Pause) So, am I hearing wedding bells?

Ross: Oh, I don't know, Rach. I mean, we, like, just started going out. I think it's probably too early to talk about marriage.

Rachel: Oh, come on, it's never too early! Go marry her!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Come on, go-go-go propose to the woman! She's gonna say yes, I know it!

Ross: Rach, have you been drinking again?

Rachel: I'm just saying if you like her and she likes you, then why the wait? I mean, some people go out for, like, three years and then break-up. So it's better to marry her now before you guys have a fight and break up!

Ross: Are you-(chuckles) Are you all right?

Rachel: I'm fine! Never been better.

Ross: Are you sure you're okay? 'Cause you've been, like, ignoring me all day. When Claire and I were coming in earlier, you just walked right passed us.

Rachel: No, I was just a little-a little busy. Tell Claire sorry.

Ross: Do you-do you not like Claire?

Rachel: (stands up) All right. Here it is! All you've been talking about today was Claire, Claire, Claire, Claaaiiiiirrree!! I mean, what's so beautiful about her anyway? She has a huge nose and don't even get me started on the way she walks!

Ross: How can you say that about her?! You have no right at all to insult my girlfriend!

Rachel: And you have no right to be around me, with her!

Ross: Oh, really? You've been around with Todd all the time! You guys were always touching, kissing, and he gave you a key to his place!

Rachel: You said you wanted us to move on last week, don't you remember?! I'm finally granting you your wish! I'm moving on! You can go ahead and sleep with other people!

Ross: Oooh! Oooh! Thank you for giving me the right to do that!

Rachel: Look, Ross, it's not working out! This is not working out!

Ross: Oh, yeah, that's just classic Rachel. You're just good at breaking up with people, and telling people what or what not to do!

Rachel: And you're so good at cheating on other people!

(The audience gasp and Ross is just staring at Rachel.)

Ross: Oooh, ooh, really?! And you wanna know what you are so god-damn good at? You're so good at being the popular, the spoiled and the fancy one! You're just so unbelievable!

Rachel: Me, unbelievable?! Oh, don't talk to me about who I am and who I'm not! 'Cause you, apparently, have no idea who I am!

Ross: I don't know you?! Oh, yes, I do! I've been in love with you since the ninth grade!

Rachel: Is that why now you can't be around me?

Ross: Oh, please. I'm so fine without you! And y'know what? I want you to be fine without me!

Rachel: Oh, I've forgotten about you two weeks after we broke up!

Ross: I can't-I just can't believe you're just throwing that in my face.

Rachel: That's right, I am! And if I had a glass of water in my hands right now, I'd throw it in your face right now!

Man: I have a glass of water.

Ross: Thank you! (Pause) You know what? You wanna forget about me, then go ahead and do that! Just call me when you decide to get back together.

Rachel: Don't put your hopes up. (Starts to leave but returns and holds that glass of water and throws it on Ross - to man) Thanks, I owe you big! (Leaves)

Joey: (returns from the bathroom) Dude, what the hell was all that?

Ross: Rachel and I just had a huge fight.

Joey: Well, DUH, I know that! Even that guy who's in the ladies' room knows that! (Pause) What was it all about?

Ross: Us seeing other people.

Joey: You're seeing someone else too? (Throws a glass of water on him)

Ross: Why the hell did you do that?!

Joey: Saw Rachel doin' it, figured I should try it!

[Scene: A Doctor's Office. Monica and Frank Buffay are waiting for Phoebe to return.]

Phoebe: (returns from the doctor's office) Hi, Monica, the doctor said it was only a flue, nothing serious, can live with it, let's go! (Starts to leave)

Frank: Wait, wait, wait, Phoebe! Hold on! Listen, I came all the way from Philadelphia to talk to you and Ursula.

Phoebe: Oh, well, why don't you go all the way back?

Frank: Look, I know that what I did twenty years ago was just horrible. But, Phoebe, sweetheart, don't you just think that..don't you think there's a way where we can just...

Phoebe: (interrupting) No. (Long Silence) Okay? You weren't there when I turned fifteen. And you weren't there when I turned twenty. All right? You just-you just ditched us! You just walked out on us and left us parentless after we lost my mom! All right? Now, now I'm just doing so fine without you. And I did fine without you! I don't think you being in my life now is gonna be helpful. (Leaves)

(Long Silence)

Phoebe: (returns) All right, Monica, are you coming or not?!

Monica: Yes! Yes, I'm coming! (Phoebe leaves) Look, Frank, Phoebe is just stressed. I mean, she was just so shocked to find you here, you know?

Frank: Yeah, I-I-I think I do. But can you just give me her phone number so that, maybe, I'll call her later?

Monica: I-I wish I could.

Frank: I understand.

Monica: I just don't know her phone number!

Phoebe: (Voice Over) Monica!!

Monica: Coming! (to Frank) Show up at Central Perk, she's gonna be there. (Leaves)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Monica are there as Chandler enters]

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: I did it! I did what you told me to do. I asked for a raise!

Joey: And?

Chandler: Totally didn't get it! (Pause) My boss thinks that I've only been working for the company for sixteen years, and it's a little early to get a raise. But it does not matter! You wanna know why? You-you wanna know why?!

Joey: Nah.

Monica: Not really.

Chandler: Because I have had the guts to finally face my boss's ass and ask for a raise! (Pause) And I didn't get fired. Buuttt! But..John is gonna get less paid from now on!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting by the window, desperate as Ross slowly walks in]

(Rachel turns around and looks at Ross for a second. Then she looks back at the window.)

Ross: I-(sighs) I just came to apologize. (Long Silence) I didn't mean to say all those things to you. (Pause) I mean, I just...(sighs) I so want us to work things out between us. But I understand if you feel like it's too late for us to ever get back together. But I don't want to know that we might never get back together. I'm just gonna keep the hope.(Leaves)

(Rachel starts to cry)

[Cut to the hallway between Monica/Rachel's apartment and Chandler/Joey's apartment where Ross is leaning at the door of Monica and Rachel's. He takes a deep breath, and storms out.]

[There was no closing credits to this episode; just the theme song of the show with the gang dancing around a fountain.]