[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment; Ross is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hello, young person who doesn't live here.

Ross: Hey! Look, Chandler, I'm giving out a lecture tomorrow night at N.Y.U. You wanna come?

Chandler: (thinks) Well...what about-what about...Monica?

Ross: She can't. She has work. So, are you coming or not 'cause there's a limited seating in the class and I should notify the professor if someone's coming or not.

Chandler: Umm...well, how about-what about Phoebe? Or Joey? Or, y'know, Rachel?

Ross: They're all stuck at work tomorrow night. And, plus, I mean, I can't take Rachel. I mean, we had a huge fight a few days ago. We can't just put that behind us. You know what I mean? And, plus, Chandler, it's gonna be so much fun! Professor Lingsalus is gonna be there!

Chandler: Oh, yay! (Pause) How long is the lecture, usually?

Ross: About an hour, an hour and a half.

Chandler: Umm...sure! Sure, man!

Ross: All right! I'm gonna go talk to my professor.

Chandler: (Pointing at Ross) Professor Lingsalus!

Ross: No, I'm going to talk to my professor, who's the deputy head of the luxury fossils' department; his name is professor Gene.

Chandler: All right, talk to Gene!

(Ross exits.)

Joey: (coming out of his bedroom) Hey, Chandler.

Chandler: Hey! Ross just asked me to go to his "lecture" tomorrow night that might take, like, an hour or an hour and a half.

Joey: So? You could've just said you're stuck at work. Monica, Phoebe and I did it; worked very well.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment; Monica is cooking as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Monica, so who are you going out with on Valentine's day tomorrow night?

Monica: Umm...well, there's this really cute guy that I met at the...uh, in the laundry room. We really hit it off, and he asked me out. We're going out tomorrow night, yeah. (Nods)

Rachel: Dateless, huh? (Monica nods) Yeah, kinda figured. (Pause) Listen, I got us two incredibely cute dates! Ha-ha, how great am I?

Monica: Thanks, Rach. But, no.

Rachel: What? Monica, come on! They are cute!

Monica: I don't know. I just don't feel like doing anything serious on Valentine's.

Rachel: One of 'em is a chef! (Pause) And he is a biiiig neat freak!

Monica: Thank you, Rachel. But I think I just wanna be alone tomorrow night.

Rachel: What, and you're kicking me out of my apartment?!

Monica: You said you wanted to go out with one of those guys. Well, then, do!

Rachel: All right. If you're not going out with the cute guys, tomorrow night, well, then neither am I. (Sits down, foot over foor and opens up a magazine)

Monica: Fine! I'll go out with one of 'em! What is my guy's name?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, that I don't know. (Monica is shocked.) You see, I can't really choose between the really cute guy and the not-so-cute one with the hot body. (Pause) So you get to choose!

Monica: So I'm going out on a blind date with one of 'em, but I'm not sure which one?

Rachel: Exactly.

Monica: Oh, well, have fun at the date. (Takes out something from the oven)

Rachel: (Puts the magazine away, stands up and walks to the kitchen) What, Monica? Come on, it's gonna be fun! It's been a long time sine you and I went out on a blind date!

Monica: Because I know who you set me up with! (Pause) Wow, this pastrami looks so good.

Rachel: I promise, you are gonna love...one of 'em. (Pause) Look, they don't have huge noses like the last blind date I set you up with, (Pause) they're not gay, (Pause) and ooh, please, they do not touch themselves. (Pause) Plus, Mon, if you stay here all by yourself, that will give you middle school flashback.

Monica: Hey, I dumped him! (Pause) And why do you care so much?

Rachel Because! I want you to be there whenever I do something wrong or say something stupid.

Monica: Aw, that is so sweet! (Pause) All right, I'll go!

(They hug)

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is there and Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey, Pheebs! What's up?

Phoebe: Not much. I spanked my massage client earlier. (Pause) Oh, my god.

Joey: What, he spanked you?

Phoebe: You see that guy at the counter? (She turns around to not face that guy at the counter) Yeah, that's David.

Joey: David, who?

Phoebe: David that scientist guy I was in love with, like, four years ago and he broke my heart to go to Russia.

Joey: (Smiles) Ohh, yeah.

(David walks towards Phoebe.)

David: Phoebe! Hi!

Phoebe: (Turns around, pretending to be shocked to find him) Oh, my god, David! (Pause) (to Joey) Look, Joey, it's David!

Joey: Yeah, I know, you just said-

Phoebe: Shh. (Pause) David! What-what are you doing here? I-I thought you were in Russia.

David: No, yeah-yeah, I was. I'm just in town for a conference.

Phoebe: Oooh, wow. So, how've you been?

David: Umm, good. Fine, actually. Went to Russia for a bone for four years, and now here I am, with no bone.

Phoebe: Wow. So, when are you going back?

David: Uhh...tonight, actually. Umm, Phoebe, y'know tonight is Valentine's day.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know! What a coincidence that, y'know, you come back and I meet you on Valentine's day.

(Pause of silence)

David: So, do you wanna go out tonight?

Phoebe: Yeah!

David: All right, I'll call you at eight. 'Cause my flight's at ten, so...

Phoebe: Great! Do you-do you want my phone number?

David: No, I still have that.

Phoebe: Okay! Bye! (to Joey) Bye, Joey!

Joey: (to Phoebe, a little shocked) Bye!

(Phoebe exits.)

David: (to Joey) Yeah, I'm gonna need her phone number.

[Scene: Ross's lecture at N.Y.U.; Ross is giving out a lecture and Chandler is on the verge of sleeping. The room is filled with people.]

Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.

(Chandler falls asleep and snores, causing a woman next to him to jump into shock. Chandler wakes up, and finds out the woman is staring at him)

Chandler: (embarrassed) My bad.

Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus.

Chandler: (to the woman) Aren't you bored? Seriously?

Woman: I am the head principal of this department. (Embarrassed, Chandler quickly turns away)

Ross: So, I think if we try my way of returning the Mesozoic era into the...(Looks at Chandler and notices that he is sleeping)

(Chandler wakes up again and realizes that Ross is staring at him)

Woman: (Pointing at Chandler, whispering) Ha-ha, you're in trouble!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Monica and Rachel enter.]

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Joey, guess what? Monica and I are going out on blind dates tonight with two incredibely cute guys!

Joey: Wow! You girls are getting lucky tonight? (Smiles the 'Joey' way)

Monica: It's nothing! It's just a blind date! (to Rachel) And I swear, if they're anything like the guys you set me up with in the past, you are dead.

Joey: (to Rachel) Why, who'd ya set her up with?

Rachel: They weren't that bad...

Monica: One of 'em was gay. (Pause) Another had a big tonsil and kept talking about pigs' sex over dinner. (Pause) And there was this guy who turned out to be married and has three kids.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs.

Joey: Oh-and Phoebe has a date tonight too.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Good for you, Phoebe! With who?

Phoebe: Uh, David.

Monica: David? Who's David? (gasps) No!

Rachel: David's here?!

Phoebe: Yeah, he came over just for a conference and he's going back to Russia.

Joey: In a few hours!

Rachel: Honey, you do know what that means, right?

Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) No.

Rachel: He's leaving again tonight, so you're only gonna have the guy for a few hours. If you go on a date with him, then say goodbye to him forever, you're gonna be heartbroken again, sweetie.

Monica: Yeah. I mean, don't you remember the first time he left and how bummed you were?

Phoebe: Well...yeah. But I don't care. I mean, when I saw him today, I just-(sighs) I mean, I thought, god, that's David. You know, David's here. He's just so irresistable. And, I mean, I've missed him. There's nothing wrong in going out with him again tonight.

Joey: Yes, there is! If he's gonna leave you again!

Rachel: Come on, Phoebe! Even Joey's starting to make sense!

Monica: Just leave her alone. If she wants to do this, then let her do it. (to Phoebe) But you're just gonna have to deal with it, y'know?

Phoebe: Yeah. Yes, I know. 'Cause I know what I'm gonna do. (Smiles) I'm gonna shoot him!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Oh, man, I'm gonna be on the news.

Phoebe: You know, we'll have dinner then I'll take him over to my place, supposedly to go to the bathroom, (Pause) then we'll have sex and I'll make him late to the airport. Then bam! He's dead.

Monica: O...kay. You can do that.

Joey: Pheebs, do you really wanna be in a relationship for just a few hours? I mean, you are obviously gonna be heartbroken and devastated again.

Phoebe: I don't care! 'Cause it's with David!

Joey: The scientist guy!

Rachel: All right, y'know what, Pheebs? I hope you have fun. Really, I do.

Phoebe: Aw, pitty talk.

Monica: Believe me, sweetie, if David isn't gay, has a huge tonsil, or married, trust me, Pheebs. You will have fun. (Rachel glares at her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment; Chandler is there.]

Ross: (enters) Hey.

Chandler: Hey, Ross!

Ross: Is Joey around?

Chandler: No, he's out on a date with twins. (Pause) Look, Ross, about what happened earlier at your lecture, I'm very sorry.

Ross: No, hey, no. It's no big deal. If you fell asleep at it, there's no reason anyone else would.

Chandler: Come on, Ross! What are you talking about? You know that's not true! I mean, just because I fell asleep during the whole thing, it doesn't mean anyone else would! I mean, I just fell asleep because I was truly not interested in the whole thing! I just thought it was boring! (Pause) I don't think that was my point!

Ross: No, hey, you're right, man. I mean, I got so many messages, telling me not to speak again in public!

Chandler: Don't listen to them, Ross. I mean, I totally think you should speak in public again! Y'know, frankly, this was the first lecture I've ever watched and actually understood what the point of the lecture was.

Ross: Chandler, you don't have to do that.

Chandler: No, Ross, I'm serious! Actually, y'know what? This woman who was sitting next to me, that is the head principal or whatever...She said that, uhh, she is gonna give you a raise.

Ross: Oh, my god! Are you serious?

Chandler: (Smiling) I guess! (Pause) See? So I'm sure she liked it, there's no other reason she would say that.

Ross: Thanks, man. (exits)

Chandler: Why did I have to lie?! JOEY! (Walks away)

[Scene: Riff's restaurant; Monica and Rachel are with their blind dates, Frank and Will.]

Monica: (laughing) Oh, Will, that joke cracks me up. (Keep laughing, and looks at Rachel, to realize that she is glaring at her fearfully.) Wasn't that funny, Rach?

Rachel: Yeah. (Fakes laugh for a long time) Can I speak to you in the ladies' room for a moment?!

Monica: Okay...(to Frank and Will) Excuse us.

Will: Sure. (After they leave) (to Frank) They laugh too much.

[Cut to the ladies' room; Monica and an annoyed Rachel are entering.]

Monica: (to Rachel) What is the matter with you? You have not been smiling all day!

Rachel: You picked the wrong guy!

Monica: What?

Rachel: Oh, it is so obvious you are dying to be with Will. (Mimics Monica, laughing) "Oh, Will you're so funny!" "Oh, Will, you crack me up!" (Chuckles then groans.)

Monica: So?! You told me I can have any guy I want!

Rachel: Any guy that is not Will!

Monica: Why not?

Rachel: 'Cause I want him! (Pause) All right, it's unfai! I mean, I met him first.

Monica: Well, too bad.

Rachel: Oh, come on, Monica! You weren't even coming to the whole thing! You wouldn't have come over if I didn't drag you here!

Monica: Well, now I'm here and I'm getting Will! (exits.)

Rachel: (gasps) That bitch! (exits.)

[Cut back to the table; Rachel and Monica are sitting down.]

Frank: The food's ready.

Rachel: Oh, just like Monica, interested in food. Y'know, you two (points to Frank and Monica) have a lot in common, Frank.

Monica: (to Will) So, Will what do you do?

Will: Oh, I'm working at Sears in the men's department currently.

Rachel: Oooh. So, in fashion? (Pause) Ha-ha, just like me! (Looks at Monica)

Monica: Just like the old you, Rachel. 'Cause, remember? Bloomingdales fired you!

(Rachel opens her mouth, widely, in shock.)

Rachel: So, Monica, I heard you dated your father's dentist. (Pause) True story?

(Will and Frank trade looks)

Monica: (chuckles, looking at Will) Rachel was getting married, but y'know, she left the guy at the altar. (Pause) 'Cause it just looks like something Rachel would do.

Rachel: Monica, so is it true that you also dated your father's dentist's son?

Will: Ew!

Rachel: (just like Monica) I know!!

[Scene: N.Y.U. Street; David is waiting and Phoebe comes running.]

Phoebe: David, hi!

David: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, have you been waiting for too long?

David: No-no, it's okay. Had five to six cups of coffee. (Pause) So, you ready to go?

Phoebe: Sure! Oh, no wait. Whoa, you're not drunk, y'know, now that you've had six cups of coffee, are you?

David: No. Why?

Phoebe: Nothing. Just checking. 'Cause, y'know, I can't have sex with someone who's drunk.

David: Have sex with...?

Phoebe: Come on! (Drags him away with her)

[Scene: Riff's restaurant; Monica and Rachel are still fighting over Will in front of Frank over dinner.]

Rachel: You know, I heard a rumor about you, Monica, in high school. So, is it true that back in high school, you were as big as a three-hundred pound cow?

Monica: Y'know, I've heard some things about you too, Rachel. Lots of things. (Pause) Is it true that you had sex with Billy Robinson back in high school so that you could take a picture of you two in bed and post it all over the school?

Frank: All right! Uhh...cheers!

Rachel: Cheers! (They all start to drink until they are interrupted by Rachel again) You know what I also heard? (Will and Frank groan.) That you, Monica, cannot stand being someone who is not in charge! You get outta control, you lose it when you are not in charge!

Monica: (laughs) God, you are just sooo spoiled!

(Pause)

Rachel: Ha-ha! Also, did anyone know that Monica is a big neat freak, should always be the hostess, and is clumsy over food?

Monica: Fine! (Throws a napkin she was holding, on the table, grabs her coat and storms out.)

(Pause of silence.)

Frank: This hummus is great!

Rachel: (to Frank) All right, seriously, you're, like, another Monica! What's the matter with you?! (Grabs her coat and leaves.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's; Monica is in the kitchen, eating and Rachel walks in.]

Monica: Huh. You're home. And late. Why, stopped by at the Lying factory? Y'know, wanted to drop by some stuff?

Rachel: No, but I got us dinner. Since we didn't have any at the restaurant.

Monica: I'm already eating.

Rachel: Okay, then I'll join you! (Takes out what she brought, which is chicken from KFC) Yummy!

Monica: You had that last Monday.

Rachel: I know, I just don't feel like having another sandwich. Look, Mon, I'm so sorry about tonight. I mean, honestly, if there is just anything I could do to repay you for what I did...

Monica: Forget about it.

Rachel: No, no, I'm serious! I mean, when I was new in town, I had nobody and you were just there for me, you taught me about everything and helped me go through this. If it wasn't for you, I would be living in a van, eating KFC leftovers! (Monica glares at her.) Oh, no, these aren't leftovers.

Monica: I'm sorry too!

(They hug and Chandler enters.)

Chandler: All right, keep doing that and I'll get the camera. (They stop the hugging.) How was the date?

Monica: Ugh, awful.

Rachel: Terrible! (Pause) What about you?

Chandler: Went over to hear Ross's lecture at N.Y.U.

Monica: (to Rachel) Oh, so we didn't have the worst night after all.

Chandler: No, seriously, I did a horrible, horrible thing. All right, y'know how I always sleep at Ross's lectures? (Monica and Rachel nod.) All right, so I did that! But then Ross realized I was bored at his lecture. So I supported him, which is a good thing, by telling him that he wasn't that bad, since the principal said she is gonna give him a raise.

Rachel: Which she isn't?

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Rachel: Oh, my god, Chandler! That's horrible!

Chandler: I know! I know! And what's even worse is that I think Ross is over there right now asking for his raise! (He groans)

Monica: I can't believe you did that!

Chandler: What do I do?

Rachel: Oh, uhm, let me see. (thinks) Yeah, there's nothing you can do, you're screwed so bad!

Ross: (enters) Hey.

Chandler: Heyyy...yo! (Pause) Ross, where were you?

Ross: Oh, went to work. Y'know, N.Y.U. Since you told me that woman said I got a raise. (Chandler feels crushed.) So I asked for the raise.

Monica: And?

Ross: (Chuckles) Didn't get it. Actually, the principal said that my lecture-that I sucked so bad that they don't need me anymore. So I'm fired.

Chandler: Oh, my god. How can they not need you anymore? Everyone needs a Ross!

Rachel: So, are you alright?

Ross: Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just gonna go lie down. (exits.)

Chandler: I feel horrible.

Rachel: Well, you should.

Monica: It's gonna be all right, Chandler. Just go confess everything to Ross.

Chandler: You really think that's gonna work?

Monica: Yep.

Chandler: You really don't think he's gonna hate me?

Monica: Positive.

Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it. See ya later! (Leaves)

Monica: (chuckles) He's screwed!

Rachel: Yeah!

[Scene: Central Perk; Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey! How was your date?

Phoebe: (sighs) Well, to sum up, it was good. Didn't shoot him, though. (Pause) We didn't even have sex. We just had dinner and then David had to leave.

Joey: So early? Why?

Phoebe: He got beeped. And I didn't even know paleontologists get beeped! (Pause) I mean, those things died, like, a million years ago. Why do they need a beeper? "Come. Quick. A dinosaur died a million years ago."

Joey: (chuckles) Yeah, guess who beeped him? (Phoebe looks at a smiling Joey)

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Yeah, you shouldn't be with someone like David, all right? I mean, he was gonna leave you heartbroken, and I can't stand that! I'm so sorry, Pheebs.

Phoebe: No-no. Thank you. That really helped a lot. (They hug.)

Joey: Aww. I even booked him a cab half an hour before time so that he'd leave early to the airport and you wouldn't have time to say goodbye. (Pause) Also, I paid the driver to be all aggressive and in a hurry to be at the airport. And...

Phoebe: Okay. I don't think I wanna know more.

Joey: Why?! The fun part was about to come! (Pause) Hijacked his plane. (Giggles and Phoebe opens her eyes widely)

[Scene: Central Perk; Rachel and Monica are with Chandler at the counter while Ross is sitting alone at the couch, reading a newspaper.]

Monica: Come on, Chandler, go do it!

Rachel: Come on! He's not gonna take it that bad! So you got him fired, what's the big deal?!

Monica: (to Rachel) When you got fired, you kept me awake for six weeks.

Rachel: Come on, Chandler, do it-do it!!

Chandler: All right! All right! (Heads to the couch, returns but Rachel and Monica wave him to do it. He goes back to the couch.) Hey, Ross? Do you have a minute? I kinda need to speak to you.

Ross: (not lifting his head off the newspaper) What, about you getting me fired? Yeah, I knew. (Chandler groans, and returns to the counter where Monica and Rachel are standing.)

End