[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee as she sits and relaxes alone on the orange couch while Monica
sat on the green couch.]
Rachel: (hands Phoebe the coffee) There you go, sweetie.
Phoebe: Ooh, ohh, thanks. Now, you see, I would usually pay for this to Gunther, but I'm pregnant. AWE!
Rachel: Oh, no, honey, you don't have to worry. I'll do that. I'll pay for this! (Goes to Gunther at the counter)
Monica: (to Phoebe) Aren't you taking advantage of you being pregnant by not paying for stuff?
Phoebe: (Smiles) UH-HUH! (Pause) So fun.
Monica: That is so unfair. You're gonna be having twins, while I'm gonna die alone.
Phoebe: Aw, sweetie, no. Don't say that. I'll--well, I'll give you one.
Monica: What? No! I don't want one of your...brother's babies, Pheebs! I wanna have my own kids.
Phoebe: And then give them to Ross?
(Rachel returns)
Rachel: (sighs) Okay. I paid for that, Pheebs, and now I'm broke. (starts to sit down next to Phoebe at the orange
couch)
Phoebe: Oohhh-ohh, are you kidding me?!
Rachel: Right-o. Right-o. (Quickly gets up and sits somewhere else as Monica shakes her head "no" and Phoebe smiles
to Mon)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Ross & Emily are there.]
Phoebe: (to Emily) Okay, okay. Well now that's a-I mean, that's gonna be a weird question, but did you-did you ever
get beaten by those y'know, things with the pockets in their stomachs?
Monica: Phoebe, Emily's from London. Kangaroos are in Australia.
Phoebe: Who brought up the 'London' speech? GOSH, YOU'RE SO ABSENT-MINDED!
Monica: And you're so pregnant.
Emily: Okay, I really have to go now.
Ross: Oh, do you? Do you, really?
Phoebe: Ross, what are you doin'? Let her go! Come on, it's not like any of us is having any fun being around her!
Ross: PHOEBE!
Emily: No, really. It's ok. I mean, I understand. She's...she's pregnant. Hormones and stuff like that. I know what's
that like.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, putting on the extra weight kinda reminds me of you! (Sniffs and groans)
Monica: (to Phoebe) Do you want some coffee?
Phoebe: Oh, I would, but I don't have any money right now. It's in my apartment. AWW...too bad I was so looking
forward for having some coffee!
Rachel: Oh, if you want....
Monica: (to Rachel) Leave her.
Emily: Ok, I'm so late. Gotta go. Bye, guys.
All: Bye. (etc.)
Emily: (to Ross) Bye, honey.
Ross: Bye.
(They kiss)
Phoebe: Hope we won't see you till a couple of more months! (Emily exits) British-Australian b*tch.
Ross: Pheebs, don't you think that, lately, you've been being a little more rude than usual? To Emily? To everyone?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, ok, sorry, Ross. But you're not carrying your brother's African twins!!
Rachel: They're gonna be African?
Phoebe: (turns to face Rachel) Have you met Alice?
(Joey enters)
Monica: Hey, Joey.
Joey: (depressed) Hey. I just failed at becoming Ritten Hospital's best female nurse.
Phoebe: Oh that is bad. But still, you don't have two kids wanting to get out of your vagina.
Joey: I'm talking about my audition for this new series called "Hot New Stuff". I was auditioning for the part of
a female nurse.
Ross: (sarcastic) Well, it is a bummer that you didn't get the job.
Rachel: (to Ross) Dinosaurs? Really?
Ross: (to Rachel) Coffee? Really?
(Rachel sniffs at first, then gives Ross "giving the finger without actually giving the finger")
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, I never really understood that. (Does the 'giving the finger without actually doing it" thing
at Monica)
(Monica gasps)
Phoebe: HEY! I just get it! (Pause) It's supposed to be fun!! And you know what? It is!! (Does it to Ross, Rachel
and Joey)
Chandler: (enters) Hello, children.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler!! (Does the "giving the finger...." to him)
Chandler: Oh, okk, you too? Nineteen woman did that to me today! (Sighs and opens his hand in the air, wondering
what's up with that)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is making some food while Joey and Chandler are eating at the kitchen table.]
Rachel: (comes out of her bedroom, just woken up) Mornin'.
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Good morning.
Rachel: (to Joey and Chandler) You guys are having breakfast, at our place at six in the morning?
Joey: My third breakfast today.
Monica: So, Rach, you got any plans for this evening?
Rachel: No, Monica, I am not going out with you again!
Monica: (Laughs) I'm just asking because Todd's coming over, and we're gonna be spending the night.
Chandler: Who's Todd?
Rachel: Monica's really old boyfriend.
Joey: Oh, man, how old were you when you started dating?
Chandler: (stares at Joey) No, he's old as in age.
Monica: He's not that old! Okay? Besides, why do you care? This is my life. I wanna waste it the way I want!
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs! How are the twins?
Phoebe: Nope, still didn't slip out yet! (Pause) Don't you just sometimes wonder, when you're--like--walking down
the streets and y'know? Whether the baby will just slip right out?
Chandler: Yes, that is a wondrous thought.
Phoebe: Ok, I need some food that I don't have in my apartment but I need to get from the grocery store. But you
see? I'm pregnant, so... (Chuckles)
Rachel: Oh, sure, sweetie! I'll get 'em for you! What do you need?
Phoebe: Okay, uhm, well--write 'em down. (Rachel brings a piece of paper and a pen.) See, I would've written 'em
down but I'm pregnant, so... (Chuckles) Ok. I need some tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, onions, olives, bread, toast, apples,
oranges, strawberries, cucumbers....(thinks) Okay, y'know what? Never mind. Just bring me everthing! (Chuckles and goes into
the bathroom)
Rachel: (Sighs) Whew. She's a little needy.
Monica: (Laughs) And you're her b*tch!
(The guys laugh as Rachel opens her mouth shocked.)
Rachel: What? No, I'M NOT!
Joey: (smiling endlessly) Yeah, you are!!
Rachel: You wouldn't call a good friend someone's bitch, would ya? I mean, you don't call Chandler that!
Chandler: Hey! I am not a good friend!
(Phoebe returns, groaning and sniffing)
Phoebe: Ugh, Rachel, I forgot to flush. Would you go do that to me?
Rachel: (quickly gets up) Oh, sure! (stops at the door and stares at Monica)
Monica: (singing on the rhythm of 'B I N G O') B - I - T - C - H...(continues the song) And our little friend is
flushing toilets...
Phoebe: OOOH! Oh, I love that song! YAY!! Let's sing it!
Chandler: (to Joey) Yeah. Let's. (He and Joey get up and leave)
[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey is sitting on the barcalounger as Rachel return from their bathroom.]
Rachel: Joey, what is my book doing in the bathroom, and why is it torn into pieces?
Joey: Oh yeah, Chandler and I ran out of toilet papers.
(Rachel turns in disgust.)
Joey: Besides, what are you doin' here? I thought you had an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, but I can't exactly be there right now.
Joey: Oh, Phoebe's there?
Rachel: No, that's not it! Ross and Emily are there, and I felt it'd be pretty awkward if I was there with them.
Joey: What, I thought the awkwardness thing is over between you guys?
Rachel: Not since he slept with the copy girl!
Joey: You mean, after you guys were on a break?
(Rachel shoots him a look.)
Rachel: I'm just saying, Joey, that after Emily has found out that Ross and I used to date, it doesn't seem she'd
like me to be around her or Ross anymore. Can't say it's a bad thing though.
Joey: But you...still have feelings to Ross?
Rachel: NO! I don't have feelings for Ross! I mean YEAH. I obviously I do have feelings for him, but not REAL feelings....it's
not love. It's just.......attraction. I just think he's attractive.
Joey: Really?
(Phoebe enters, all pregnant and stuff..)
Phoebe: (to Rachel) I FOUND YOU!
Rachel: Ahhh....
Phoebe: Ok, look, you guys, I'm really sorry I'm giving you such a hard time with this pregnancy thing and all.
But I'm honestly trying my best here. So I'm really sorry.
(Pause)
Rachel: Aaww, honey, it's...
Phoebe: So go bring me my purse (to Joey) and you..MOVE OVER!
(Rachel rushes out and Joey jumps off the barcalounger to let Phoebe sit)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Emily are there.]
Rachel: (enters) Hi.
Ross: Oh, hi, Rach.
Emily: Rachel! Hi.
Rachel: I just came to, uh....(Chuckles) Phoebe wants her....(Grabs what looks like Phoebe's purse from the counter)
So I guess I'll see you later.
Emily: Yeah...
Ross: Bye!
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Chuckles, grabs the purse and leaves, ear still on door in the hallways)
Emily: (v.o from inside) So, when are you gonna tell her?
Ross: (v.o) About what?
Emily: (v.o) HA-HA. Very funny. (There's a pause.) About the wedding.
(In the halls, Rachel looks overwhelmed, looks at the purse sadly then goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment...)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hi, you guys. Have you seen my brother Frank Jr.?
Chandler: Well, let me just look for him in my pocket. (looks into his pocket) Frank, you there? (up at Phoebe)
Nope, sorry, Pheebs. Not here. (Laughs and Phoebe looks at him.) I'm gonna go get some free coffee for everyone. (Gets up
to the counter)
(Phoebe sits down, sighing)
Ross: What's wrong, Pheebs? You look exhausted.
Phoebe: Oh oh, you think? (Pause) I was supposed to meet Frank and Alice down at Suku's, but when they say
how big I've gotten, I think I scared them off.
Ross: Oh, come on. I'm sure that's not the reason.
Phoebe: Really? You really think so? 'Cause when Frank saw my stomach, he said: "Oh man. You've gotten knocked up."
and ran off like a dog! (Pause) I should really start to talk to them. (thinks) OR...or how about this? How about you
talk to Frank and Alice about this!
Ross: (shocked) Me? I don't even know them.
Phoebe: Well, then this would be like a meeting-day.
Ross: I'm sorry, Pheebs, I'm just not up to it.
Phoebe: (sniffs) Up my ass.
Chandler: (returns) There you go, Phoebe! (hands her, her coffee) Your latte. And you, Ross, that's a chamomile
tea.
Ross: That's not what I ordered.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I don't think Phoebe ordered this (points at her stomach) either!
(A guy, credited as Roger, enters)
Roger: Hey, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Roger--ohh-Roger, hi! Honey, I'm sorry I couldn't call you last night. Or the week before that.
Roger: It's okay, sweetie. I just wanted to greet you before moving along with my jogging.
Phoebe: Oh-right. You know, I would usually join you, but... (Points to her stomach)
Roger: Right. You're fat. (Chandler and Ross look shocked) So I guess I'll see you later?
Phoebe: Sure, bye! (kisses her) Ooh, that's spongey! (Roger leaves)
Chandler: Pheebs, how could you let that guy speak to you like that?
Ross: Yeah, that is so insensitive of him.
Phoebe: Oh, no, it's okay! It's just that Roger doesn't know that I'm pregnant, so...
(Chandler and Ross nod in agreement at first but change impression two seconds later.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is having dinner at the kitchen table with Todd.]
Todd: This lasagna is good. Oh--and the speghetti. Gosh, a real professional chef wouldn't pull this off!
Monica: (insulted) I am a real professional chef. I, uh, I actually work at Alessandro's.
Todd: Oh, those guys provide like the worst food ever!
Monica: (chuckles nervously, insulted again) Funny. Did I ever happen to mention that I actually work at
Alessandro's?
Todd: Yeah, you just mentioned it like ten seconds ago.
Monica: Oh so you can take a hint. (Pause) You know, uh, my friends thought that this thing with you wouldn't
last a mento. I believe they are wrong. I really kinda like you.
Todd: (Smiles) I really kinda like you too. (long pause) But you know what I also like? This lasagna.
Monica: (laughs) Oh, Todd...stop it! You're making me nervous.
Todd: You, nervous? (Laughs outloud)
Monica: Okay. Insulted: Again!
Todd: Monica, I gotta ask. Do you find it less appealing...or-or maybe embarrassed or ashamed that you're going
out with me?
Monica: No, Todd. Really not. Not at all. I actually, uh, I went out with an old man too a couple of years ago.
Oh, my god. I'm sorry. Did I say "old"?
Todd: Yes.
Monica: I meant....what I meant, Todd, was that uh...Nope. No way to recover. (Pause) Look, Todd, I'm not ashamed
to be seen with you in public. I'm actually overwhelmed. Just that you know so much. You are.....(he starts to smile)....a
great friend. (Pats him on the back)
Todd: (hurt) Ouch. My heart.
Monica: What, are you having another heart attack?
Todd: No. No, I, uh...I'm just...I'm just simply hurt. By the words you just said.
Monica: I'm sorry.
(Silence)
Todd: Can I at least finish the lasagna and the spaghetti before I'll have to leave?
Monica: No!
Todd: Eh, well, it was a cheap shot. (starts to leave) Besides, I can have food as delicious as this at Alessandro's.
Ever been to Alessandro's?
(Monica sighs and pushes Todd out)
[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Rachel is there and Joey returns from his bedroom.]
Joey: You're not gone yet? (Pause) I think I've slept three times this day, and you're still here?
Rachel: I can't--I can't go back to the apartment.
Joey: I know. I know. Because Ross and Emily are there.
Rachel: That was fifteen hours ago. (Pause) No, Monica's still there with her old boyfriend.
Joey: Oh, right. That. I was thinkin', how long could the two of them been dating?
Monica: (v.o) RACHEL!
Rachel: Oh, the date must be over.
Joey: Or Monica's screaming weird thoughts through sleeping with her boyfriend.
(Joey and Rachel leave the apartment)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's. Joey and Rachel enter.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hey. How was your date?
Monica: During the past three hours, he had had three heart attacks, fell twice into the bathtub, and lost the ability
to remember anything!
Joey: (smiling) So he's still in there, huh? (Points at the bedroom)
Rachel: (to Monica) Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart. You must've suffered so much. (hugs Monica)
Joey: Aww, I wanna hug you girls too!
Monica: (still hugged by Rachel) Well, come on in!
Joey: Yay! (jumps in the air like Ross did on Season 5's TOW Everybody Finds Out as he joins Monica and Rachel's
group hug)
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Oh, what is this, like a charity hug or Channel 2's porn?
Joey: Oh, thanks for the reminder, Pheebs. (Runs off)
Phoebe: So, Monica, how was your date? You know, did you score with grandpa or did he pass away over dinner?
Monica: Hmm--it's sort of between the two.
Rachel: Can I speak to you two about something, something you'll promise not to tell anyone else?
Phoebe: (whispering) You slept with Joey?
Rachel: No! (Pause) I think--I think Ross and Emily are getting married.
(Silence. Monica looks shocked)
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey.
(Silence)
Monica: Uhm...well, you know--uh--Phoebe's pregnant!
Ross: Yeah?
Monica: That's it! That's what we were talkin' about! Isn't it funny? (laughs)
Phoebe: You find me being pregnant amusing to you? (Pause) Monica, you're gonna die alone!
Emily: (on the buzzer, v.o) Hey, Ross?
Ross: Yes, sweetie?
Emily: (v.o) My aunt found an amazing bridesmaid dress for the wedding.
(Silence. Everyone is shocked and the audience gasp.)
Ross: (nervous, to the buzzer) Oohh, Emily, sweetheart...why would--why would I care that your, uh, your aunt found
a bridesmaid dress for her--uh, daughter! (Chuckles again)
Emily: (v.o) No-no, Ross, for our wedding.
Ross: (nervous) Okay, honey, bye-bye! (walks away)
(Silence. Everybody is looking over at him.)
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I should go. I think it's better for my ego if I'm not here! (exits)
(Silence)
Monica: (to Ross) You're getting married?
(Ross sighs, then quietly nods in agreement. He look over at Rachel, anxiously waiting for her reaction. She reamins silent.)
To Be Continued
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is speaking to Roger.]
Roger: So, you're not just fat by nature?
Phoebe: Nope. I am so pregnant.
Roger: Okay, then! I mean, I can live with that, for you. Only because I really like you, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I like you too. And I'm glad you took this well.
(Silence)
Roger: Well, I better leave.
Phoebe: Oh, no wait. Yeah, one more thing, Roger. The babies...yeah, well, the father is my brother. (Chuckles)
(Silence. Roger, shocked, just stares at Phoebe's stomach, then runs off like a dog)
End
